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November 25th, 2004

05:26 am - Prison x Mind x End. Well, I've gone and done it. After all of the preparation, the breaking tiese, the anger, the risk taking.I finally return home to settle things, and what do I find? Well, it's been settled for me, that's what. Somehow, all that time I was messing around with something called "drama" on Earth, a band of rebels led by some unpopular governor's daughter saved the day, exposing the truth behind the Delimiting War and getting a cease fire order from both parties. Tch. And here I got all hyped up thinking I was going to kill a few people. Silly me. And so I go a little insane. But that's OK. Because when I come to my senses, I find myself behind an energy screen. Uh... that's like being behind bars for you regular folks. Yeah. I'm in prison. And if that doesn't rumple your sox, this will: I'm on death row. Right now, I should be wallowing in my usual despair, typing line after line of self-effacing garbage that does no one any good. Especially not me. But you know what? I feel good. All this time I wanted to atone for my crimes, and right here, between these for walls (well, three, if you count the energy screen as an actual *wall*.) is where I can find my solace. I know what you're thinking. "Ryuuku, on death row? That's rich! He's a good guy. He'd never get himself locked up. So what if he smoked a few people during a war. Big deal. People die in wars, right?" Yeah, they do. But I'm not here to argue about the merits of warfare. I'm trying to tell you how I got locked up. Yeah, my brother'll fight it. Friends will too. But people need a scapegoat. A pariah they can shoulder all of the disdain on and take a bit of stress off their life. That's cool. If you want a stunt double that'll take the beating, I'm your guy. I didn't argue with the accusations. In fact, I turned myself in. It's a good time. People are rebuilding, healing even, if you wanna use that term. Men and women are getting a little closer, more willing to put aside the crimes of the past and work toward a bright future together. Somehow, I can feel all of that progressive balderdash here in my tidy little cell, with the tidy food I never touch. Wait, maybe I will touch it. Somewhere on Earth, on the North American continent there is a country called America, and there they celebrate a holiday called Thanksgiving. Sounds innocuous enough. Something to do with pilgrims from the East and indigenous people. I can't remember if there was fighting or feasting. Probably both. Oh well. I'll take the feasting. Maybe I will eat. But back to the peace. Will it last? Probably not. But at least I'm content that my story ends here. But I'm sure YOU aren't. And somehow, someone is going to fight to see that this story goes on. Well, I won't stop you. I did what I had to do, and you'll do what you have to do in order to see me again. Somehow, I know it's going to work. If there was one thing I would have to say about the future of Okalis now, it's this: Whatever you do, don't go to Earth. You know what I mean. First Contact and all of that business. Bad idea. Yeah, I'm sure the people there are ready and all, but we still have our own problems to deal with before we go running over to another culture to give them a proverbial leg up. Stay home and finish the healing. Eh. What am I saying. They'll never listen. You'll see. Besides, all if this is the ranting of a mad man on death row, right? Right. And now, this mad man needs some mad sleep. Happy Thanksgiving. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Humming the theme music to the NES game POW. Seems fitting.

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July 14th, 2004

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September 9th, 2003

04:09 pm - Newness x Reflections x Duty It's been way too long since I've updated this thing. As far as journaling goes, the longer interval between my updates = how busy / unmotivated I am in general. I don't know why I don't update anymore. There's loads of things I could talk about. I think I just don't ~feel~ like talking about them. I know I've probably disappointed a lot of people who used to read my journal, because nothing new or seemingly worthwhile is on it, but for those who've stuck around through thick and thin, I thank you. Those of you who don't think I'm totally insane because I say I'm an alien, that is. At any rate, I guess I do have something I should talk about. I like my new friends. Mostly, Whangbo. He's very.. cute. (I think I mention him a few posts down, but I can't be sure.. ) I know he enjoys my company a lot, and I do the same.. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to hurt a lot of these new people I meet when I leave. There's a sense that I really shouldn't be trying to be so nice to people now, because I won't be there to follow through. And the more people I meet.. the more friends I make.. the more than makes me want to turn my back on what I have to do.. That's it for now. Current Mood: restless Current Music: F-Zero GX OST ~ Lightning

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June 7th, 2003

10:07 pm - Pokedreams. A lot of you guys already know that I haven't been gettin' much sleep lately. What you might not know however, is the sort of dreams I've been having when I DO manage to get some rest. Without going into much backstory, have you.. uh.. ever played Pokemon? Yeah, you know, Game Freak's mega-hit circa 1996? Well, it probably needs even less of an intro than I just gave, of course. Anyway, to make things simple, sometimes, I dream I'm in that world. The world of Pokemon. ....... ....... ....... Done laughing yet? I hope so! Anyway, I might tell you guys more about it later, if you're nice. Untill then, catch y'later! Oh yeah. If by some silly chance Batsu is reading this, here's a message for you. Spend some time with Kitsune. That is all. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Burly Brawl ~ The Matrix: Reloaded

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May 18th, 2003

11:29 pm - Sleepless nights are no fun.. I can't get any sleep. I know, I never can sleep much, mostly because I don't need as much sleep as Humans do, but this is a little different. I've always had nightmares, mostly about things and places I never remember myself even remotely doing, seeing or even hearing about, so I figure these experiences must not be my own. It was hard at first, but eventually I got used to it. With those sorts of dreams on the decline, my OWN nightmares seemed to be asserting themselves, and because they're my own worst fears, they're much more gruesome than the others. Either it's me losing Kitsune to someone else, or my friends dying on me, to some big blow out with Batsu, all my nightmares involve losing someone I care about. Why does it always have to come down to that? Is it because I love most of these people more than they'll ever know? I don't really know, but it's bothering me a LOT, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't want to bug my Mom about it, considering everything's been so cheerful since she arrived, and Imine and Kuroii have their own lives and problems to deal with. Most of this I probably brought on myself, because of the way I am. I just can't stop loving. If I did, I'm sure all of it would instantly turn to hate, and that's something I'm even more afraid of than losing my friends. I dunno. I'll try and meditate, since I'm here, home alone. I'll let you know if it worked or not. See ya. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: None

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May 12th, 2003

03:13 pm - It's a post, a real live post! (Tell me you're happy.. ) Yo, Ryuuku here. I'm finaly all settled in my new place. (Kitsune's Estate) I like it a lot, but as I've said before, it's going to be kind'a "different" living here with someone. Maybe it's because Kitcchan and I don't seem to be as close as I thought we were. He's always out with Koyaru, a guy I only meet once. They're trying to bring down the Kyrstal Corporation (Think, SONII, subsidiaries, et al. via a class-action law suit over something or another. Good for them, 'cause I heard there were some pretty shady things goin' on in that place. But even though that's all good 'n' all, I want Kitcchan to be here with ME. Sometimes I feel as though this is going to turn into the whole "Omocha" thing again, something which I'm just now getting over. I'm not gonna get all up in Kitcchan's face about it, 'cause I trust him, but sometimes I wonder. It's probably just me. Yeah, it's me. What the hell am I thinking. Yeah... In other news, my mother came to visit, recently. Yeah, my mother. Y'know, as in alien mother? Her name's Surida, just in case you guys didn't know, and she's around 200 years old. (And no my Mom WONT kill me for telling you her age!) She came with a group of defectors from the Okala Empire, Kamine, (I've always liked that name.. ) who was a former teacher, and Sazari, a high-ranking military commander, just under the "Zenze" level which Kuroii, my half brother, was in charge of. Kamine seems quite, reserved, and almost Imine-like, while Sazari is all no-nonsense. Kind'a reminds me of step-dad, in a way, or Kuroii. He seemed to take more after him that he realized. Anyway, we welcomed all of them with open arms, of course. We got made up and had a big party and everything, and waxed nostalgic on all sorts of things from our collective pasts. I was so happy to see my Mom. For a moment, that took away all my worries on "boyfriend trouble", and replaced them with nothing but joy. But you know how joy works. It's an emotion that would best be described as fleeting, and fleeting it was. Oh, did I tell you Batsu of all people was invited over to an OKALA party? And guess who did the invitin'. Not I. Nope, Kuroii. He really shocks me sometimes. Now, don't get me wrong, I thought about inviting Batsu, 'cause I'm always trying to get him immersed into new and different things, (the kid's so damn jaded.. ) but since we were all dressed up and such, I thought he just might be a tad too uncomfortable with that. But maybe it was for the better. Maybe. He did get to see my Mom, and I can tell she made him blush more than a little. I don't want to brag, but my Mom IS a beautiful woman, and she knows it too. But after things started to die down a little, I think I might have done something I've come to regret. I got "drunk". OK, I know you're saying "How the heck can Okala get drunk?! I've seen you down glass after glass of sake with no effect!" Well, it wasn't sake, it was rizde. It's a special fruit grown on Okalis that when ingested, creates a calming, soothing effect in Okala. It's the only known chemical substance that can even get through our crazy immune systems. But for me, since I'm only half Okala and crazy like that, it makes me.. "perky". So in my "perky" state I went and sort'a made out with Bacchan, and he didn't like that one bit. And I can't blame him, I guess, since we are just supposed to be friends. But y'know, I think this goes back to that whole Kitsune problem I was talking about earlier. Now that I have a good special someone in my life (no offense to Omocha) I'm suddenly lonely. When I was single, I didn't feel lonely. So why do I feel that way now? Doing what I did to Batsu was some sort of expression of that feeling, I think. I couldn't really control myself in that state, even though I knew full well what was going on. He's long gone by now, and no doubt writing up some evil post about me and my "pretty boy" ilk. Ugh. Fine, maybe I deserved it, but sometimes I wonder if I can ever be 100% with that guy. Lately I haven't had time to care as much as I used to, and thus Batsu has gotten his "space", but, maybe I shouldn't care as much? I try, try, try so hard to be nice and good to people because I know it's the right thing to do, but deep down inside I want to be selfish sometimes. I want to be mean sometimes, and.. sometimes I even want to hurt people. I know hatred and the like were bred into me at an early age, and that's why I counteract that so much but.. I'm afraid that someday, I won't care anymore. I'll just be "me", the true "me". And whoever doesn't like it, well.. they can go to hell. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Timesplitters OST ~ Ufopia

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February 26th, 2003

01:58 am - ~ And now for something completely different.. ~ Yo. It's been a while again. But this time I have a valid excuse. ...no, it's not more "fun times" with my fox. Just been busy. A little thinking, a little training, and a lot of shopping, amazingly, enough. I dunno what it is, but there's just something fun about it. Kuroii seems to have caught the "shopping bug" too, since he's forever out with the fox doin' that. I guess I don't have as bad as him. But on to the real news. I met someone new recently around Valentine's Day (which was great I might add) and I don't know what to make of him. To make a long story short, his name is Jain, and he's very, very.. Elven. Yeah, that's right, he's an Elf. Now, maybe if I was a "normal" person ignorant of extradimensional theory, I'd probably be scoffing as bad as all you people are probably doing right now. Keep an open mind, 'kay? Anyway.. From what I gather, Jain's a sort of "Time Elf", a bounty hunter that preys on "Elven dregs", half-breeds of his race. Sounds like a lovely guy so far, huh? Well, just remember my little story. Jain comes off as a pretty icy and cold figure, but he's the "proud and pretty" sort. He has his own code and principle, which is cool. The only problem is, I don't really agree with the whole "bounty hunting" thing. He hunts hybrids because they supposedly taint the bloodline. OK. Time out here. You know I'm not one to question another species' morality, (you don't know how many arguments Batsu and I had over this same damn subject..) but I can at least question it, right? Maybe some things are universal. I'm sure it won't ruin our budding friendship, but.. I just wonder sometimes. But that's only one of the things I need to go over with him. The other, very much burning question of the day is how a supposedly primitive people managed to cross temporal states, let alone dimensional states. For all of our advanced technology, the Okala have pretty much shied away from both concepts. Amazing. In other news, our little Elf has an icy brother who's name escapes me oddly enough, but the guy is icy. I'm gonna give him some time to warm up, 'cause I understand everyone can't be all flowers and smiles like yours truly, and a lot of times even I can't keep that up for very long. But these two Elves.. (I think they're Elves.. ) would probably be tease-fodder for my ill-tempered friend Batsu, considering that they're quite on the pretty for males. Of course, that sort'a thing doesn't bother me.. Speaking of that guy, I haven't seen him in a while. I know Imine went over to his house a few days ago, but I haven't heard from him since. Maybe I should go visit. It's pretty sad though. I don't think I'll ever be able to get through to that guy completely, and it makes me feel kind'a out of place and alienated when I'm around him. By now, I should be smart enough not to care so much, but he is my friend, and I have gotten really attached to people on this blue marble of a planet. I just want him to understand things better. That's all. He can be mean and grumpy and all of that, but as long as he knows, then my work has been done. But, I'll go visit him later, I guess. I think the whole "I need my space" routine has kind'a worn on the whole idea of visitation. But you won't find me becoming a fair-weather friend. No sir. Now I need some rest. I HAVE been up for a week. See you guys. Current Mood: exanimate Current Music: RahXephon OST 1 ~ Members Only

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January 7th, 2003

07:11 pm - ~ Sleeping with a fox.. ~ I DID IT! I FINALY DID IT! Oh, that's right. I have to tell you guys what I actually did, right? Yeah, I thought so. ^_^ If anyone has been reading my little journal for any good amount of time, then you should easily be able to tell when I'm really happy, just by the way I type. Now I'm not truly happy a lot. A lot of times I say I am, but I'm not, and I know that bugs a lot of people. I haven't done that lately though. S'not healthy. But now I have something that I can REALLY be happy over. I just moved in with Kitcchan! I mean, officially. First of all, it's different, and not just because my boyfriend is rich, or because he lives in an estate instead of a house, but because I'll be spending a lot more time around him now. It's a funny, intimating feeling, living with someone that you love. But it's especially strange for me, because I've lived with various people all of my life, and I never felt weird or uncomfortable with it. Hell, in the doujou, I could walk around naked, and nobody would care.. not that I would. It gets kind'a cold in Kyouto sometimes, y'know. But anyway, I guess it's something that I'm just gonna have to get over, and fast. My room's pretty much set up now. The first thing I set up is my computer, of course. Otherwise, how could I post! Contrary to "popular" belief, we don't stay in the same room. Kitsune's estate is way too huge for us to just waste all of that space. All of Kitsune's nine rooms each have a different colour motif. He set me up in the Blue Room, simply because it's my favorite colour. It's also the biggest room in his estate, so I'll have a lot of room for all my things. I dunno, I feel so.. pampered by my boyfriend. Maybe his love for me has grown, since the yummy romp we had out in Oosaka were I found him with a friend of Yoshiko's. He'd been away on "personal business", so I didn't even ask. I won't for a while. Not until I settle in at least. I want our first month or so to go smoothly. I love him too much to do otherwise. More as it develops, I promise. Because I really like writing about Kitsune! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: HunterxHunter OST ~ Theme of Kurapika

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January 1st, 2003

05:39 pm - ~...and a happy New Year! ~ Ah yes, 2003. Another year. As someone who grew up on another planet, I sometimes find Human customs strange and humorous, but the whole idea of celebrating a new year makes sense to me, especially for Humans. On Okalis, we have a similar time for recollection, acknowledgment and resolution. However, it comes every century, instead of yearly. Humans have a much shorter life span than Okala, so it's understandable why the timetable might be shaved a tad back for them. The point is, this whole idea of looking back and cherishing what was, while at the same time looking forward to what will become is something that I can understand wholeheartedly. For me, it's been the philosophy of my life -- looking back while looking forward. As duplicitous as it sounds, that's me -- all of us, really. But this year, I hope to do more forward orientated looking, rather than reminiscing. But it has been a good year. I won't lie to myself. But on to other news.. Not only is this the new year, but the birthday of one of my most troublesome friends. Now, when I say "troublesome", I don't mean it in the usual sense. I just haven't had much luck getting through to him on much any level, but I suppose that's what makes him interesting. As stubborn as he is, I'm probably two times as stubborn, so for us, disagreement and misunderstanding are commonplace. But I'm not typing here to list all of my friends faults, or what needs to improve -- no, this is simply to honor what has been a good friendship in my eyes. So to you, Batsu Ichimonji, my "Bacchan", I say Happy Birthday. It's been wonderful. Oh yeah.. How the hell old are you anyway!? If someone... ANYONE knows Batsu's age, tell me in a journal comment! PLEASE! Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: Coldplay ~ Clocks

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December 25th, 2002

03:27 am - ~ Merry Christmas!! ~ Oh, and what a Merry Christmas it is! First off, I'm only happy because I found my fox again. Y'know who I mean, I'm sure, but more on what happened to him later. I sent gifts out to people. Close friends, not so close friends, and Omocha. Yeah, he's like in a little genre of his own, sadly. Still no word from that boy, save for that one rather criptic E-mail I got from him a few weeks back about us meeting. I have this strange, gut-wrenching feeling that I'll never see him again. Of course, some people I know probably wouldn't have it any other way. Omochan. Wherever you are, I just wanna say Merry Christmas. I said I'd always have a special place in my heart reserved just for you, even if things didn't work out. I meant every word of it. Well, that's about it for now. M'gonna open presents. I even see one from Batsu of all people! Now *that's* surprising. First year he's ever got me something. Well, there's a first time for everything, as Humans love to say. Humans have a quaint, but insanely truthful way of putting things sometimes. We Okala could learn not to be so indirect. Anyway, enough ranting, I must open presents with Kitcchan! Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: The delightful sound of presents ripping open!!

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December 2nd, 2002

10:11 pm - ~ The begining of worry.. ~ Skip the whole "dear diary" routine.. It's been a while. TOO much of a while. I know I keep saying this, but I really am going to start updating more. I've just been busy. Y'know, life stuff. That, and nothing really has happened that's worth posting about. I know, I know. Usually, when I do post, it's about bad stuff. I try to post some good things too. But this one? This one isn't good.. I haven't heard from Kitcchan in a while. I call his house, but no one answers. Not even Aiko. I went over there a few times too. Nothing. Not even a hint of Kitsune. Now, I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything, but Kitcchan's never done this before. Never just left without calling, or writing.. SOMETHING.. I'll give it a few more days.. and then I'm gonna go look for him.. And that's pretty much it for this update. Stay tuned, and remember, don't hold your breath! Oh! Niti-chan, be sure to post to this journal more! I like your posts, and I miss you! Thanks! Current Mood: blah Current Music: None, surprisingly!

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October 21st, 2002

04:04 am - ~ A tale of two foxes.. ~ Dear Live Journal.. it's been.. ah, what the hell.. nevermind! Yeah, yeah, I know, too long since I last posted. I keep promising myself that I'll post more often, but it seems like those sorts of promises are the hardest to keep. And I really suck at that. Anyway... This week has been a tale of two foxes! The first fox.. I recently picked up Star Fox Adventures for the Gamecube. Nice game. It's sort'a like a watered down Ocarina of Time, or Majora's Mask, but still, it's Star Fox, and I've always loved Star Fox. Even though I wasn't like.. on Earth when the first game came out, but I bought up all that old stuff and played it, so you can call me an "old school" gamer, even though I really despise labels and division. One thing I've noticed about the game that I don't like however, is that it's way too easy. Maybe it's just me, but video games have gotten a lot easier than they used to be. Starting with NES on up, I think I had the hardest time with the older games, even Atari games had me screaming at the computer screen when I tried my hand at Kaboom, or Berserk. I can understand about perhaps making games more "fun" and less frustratingly hard, but c'mon guys, give me something that'll challenge me, AND entertain me. After all, isn't that the whole idea? I dunno. Like I said, that might just be me. I hate ranting on here anyway. The second fox.. KITSUNE! *cough* Okay, I'm calm, I'm calm. Yeah, I've been really exited about moving in with him. I've got pretty much everything packed up save this computer and a few other big items. Kitsune says there's no rush, but I know he's pretty much bouncing off the wall like I am. I love him so much... And he loves me, and that feeling is just so great. I.. felt love before. Love from Omocha, but maybe this is different? I dunno. I don't really want to think about Omocha right now, because it sorta ruins the while spirit of this post, but I know eventually I'll run into him, and what I do when I'm around him will be my own thing. That is, whatever I do will be up to me. If I do something bad, I can only blame myself, and not him. I know the way he is. I know the way I am, and that's all there is to it. But anyway, back to Kitsune! ^_^ Um.. but first a bit of a detour.. I think Imine is getting restless. I mean, he's doing a lot of things I never thought he would, like training and junk. Kuroii is teaching him the basics of spiritual energy and such, and of course he's catching on lighting quick. Thing is, the kid's a pacifist, and doesn't want to hurt a soul. Seems kind'a strange that he'd learn martial arts. Aside from all the philosophy and things we ascribe to it, it's all about learning how to break a person down. To kill, or defend yourself from being killed. Plain and simple, and no B.S. Anyway, I'm gonna ask him about his reasons tomorrow. I hate questioning him though, because he has this habit of worming his way out of things that he doesn't want to tell me using his.. ah.. charm. Hey, I'm gonna admit it, I'm not immune. Imine is a lot of things that I could definitely fall for, and if it weren't for Kitcchan, I would probably pursue something with him, or something with someone like him. I was with Omocha, remember? Those two are a lot alike. NOW back to the fox. I dunno, what else can I say. I really want to be with Kitsune, and make him happy and all of that. Maybe we might get married soon. Maybe. I mean, when I'm a little older. I have a LOT of time to think about it, and so does Kitsune. No need to rush. But as much as a I talk about that, I have a feeling deep, deep down inside of my heart that I'll do something horrible to make him hate me. I know that sounds insane, but hey.. I'm not even close to being perfect. Oh well. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. Negative = Eliminated. Good job. And now I need sleep. Night you guys. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: The sound of my computer running..

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September 11th, 2002

01:37 am - ~ Bitter reflections.. rainy days.. ~ Dear Live Journal, it's bee 8 days since my last entry. Doin' better, I must say so! Rain, rain. In my last entry, I talked a little about how lucky it was for an Okala to be born on a rainy day, and hence, why I respect the element so much. Though, I must admit, seeing it so often on Earth does take some of the sacredness out of it. Definitely not a good thing. But like everything else here, I learn to adapt. It's either that, or die of homesickness. I've been staying away from home, and things that remind of home, but lately, it just keeps getting shoved in my face. Everywhere I see hints of Okalis. Like ghosts of what could be, and perhaps yet may come. Kitsune's a biggie, 'cause he's all pretty and things, and his quirky sort of persona really makes me smile. But then, I have a lot other people I know I'm attracted to. Shino for one. He doesn't know about Kitsune at all. Hell, he hardly knows about me. Oh I'll tell him soon, of course. I can't keep a secret like that forever. Nobody can, I don't think. We went out yesterday. A little walk in the rain that turned into a downpour, so we shared a simple moment at a bar. Now, bars aren't usually my thing, but I'll try just about anything once, for the experience. It was a good thing. Shino likes spending time with me, no matter if it's just doing the most mundane of things. I think that's really sweet of him, but because of how little I know of him, I can't exactly put my finger on how he came to be like that. It kind'a bugs me. We'll just have to seriously have a little sit down, and talk about things at length. I just haven't had the time, or the verbal wherewithal to do something like that, at least not now. In other news, I thought I might have saw Omocha. I still think about him. Not as much as I did before, but still, images of our love haunt me in dreams. Sometimes, I would swear that they were real. Dreams like that are like nightmares to me -- no, worse. Worse because they depict a good thing that you can no longher have, rather than a bad thing you KNOW you wouldn't like to have. I really do miss him. Yesterday, I almost thought about looking for him again, even though I know it'd only set me back a few months mentally. I can't seem to get away from anything. All the things I say I want to do -- my goals, seem to be constantly outstripped by baser things. Am I really that.. frivolous? Maybe I really need some time alone. To clear my mind, and perhaps get some rest. HUMAN rest. I'll keep ya posted. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Einhander OST -- Impatience

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September 3rd, 2002

02:59 am - ~ Born on a rainy day.. ~ Dear Live Journal, it's been WAY TOO LONG since my last journal entry!! I know what it sounds like. You guys think I'm just being lazy with this whole journal thing. In truth, that's been sort'a true, but the main reason why I haven't been able to post is that I've been away. Yup, caught up in one of my many "adventures". ( if you can even call them that.. ) But I won't bore you with the details! Maybe later, if it ever comes up. Autumn is coming. Even now, I can feel it in the air. It's Kitsune's favorite time of the year, and as you know, I've been spending even more time with that fox. Man, Kitsune's so great. He's like everything I've ever wished for in a boyfriend. Back when I was on Okalis, I didn't even think about things like love, and relationships. It sounds strange, especially when you consider how overly sentimental Okala guys are. But I was always different. Maybe that's because I was born on a rainy day. On Okalis, it's considered very, very, VERY fortunate to be born on such a day. My mother used to tell me stories in song of great heroes that were born on rainy days and such, and I can still remember the cooing voice she used to sing with. So comforting. Everything is reminding me of home now. It's like Okalis is calling to me. And more and more, I'm finding that I want to make this my home. Can I really ignore the call? I guess I'm not so lucky after all. On the upside of all this homesickness, Batsu's being civil again. Maybe it's because I sort'a gave it a rest with the trying to reason with him bit. I guess he just doesn't go for that. Though I'm none too thrilled with some of the things he's done in the past, he's still my friend. I think he always will be. I haven't had a change to have another heart-to-heart with him, but sometimes I wonder how things would be if I didn't know the people I know. How different it would be. Maybe I wouldn't even be alive. Scratch that. I KNOW I wouldn't. Seiko came to visit me today. I just had to chuckle at that one. She seems to be doing better, after a little incident she had. There was a fire at her place, but that's all taken care of. Kitsune paid for everything. Again, gotta love that fox. But back to Seiko. She seemed to be sporting a new look. I dunno if it's because of the seasonal change or what, but it was kind'a cute. It almost makes me wonder if she still.. likes me. Sometimes, I get scared when she's around, because I know she's the type of person I could easily fall for. Even though I'm with Kitsune, I know I can be tempted. Infidelity has never been a big issue for me, but I'm not perfect. Some days, when the timing is just right, I can almost see myself kissing her. Almost. I've never told Kitsune about it though. He's a sweet fox, but a jealous fox. Besides, Seiko and Kitsune have been better friends ever since Kitsune was under the impression that Seiko had "given up" on me. I kind'a want it to stay that way. Oh, by the way.. Seiko was born on a rainy day too. Now there's something to think about. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Beatmania IIDX 6th Style ~ Fly Through The Night

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June 20th, 2002

06:43 pm - Thoughts and changes.. Dearl Live Journal, it's been 13 days since my last entry. And let me tell ya, they've been a fun 13 days. Sex, sex, sex. Did I ever tell you about how much sex I'm having with Kitsune? I'M KIDDING! But yeah.. we're.. very close. That's all I'm gonna say! Anyway, I'm happy. During the time I've been with him, I haven't thought about my two little "problems", namely Batsu and Omocha. And better still, nothing strange has happened! I'm really glad too, 'cause I'd hate to drag Kitsune into my problems. He deserves better than that, after what he's been through. I wish I could help Batsu too, but.. he won't let me. Oh well. Problems will work themselves out. They always do. I've been thinking about some things, while I've been staying here with Kitsune in Taiyougaoka. Big things. Things about the future, and what I plan on doing with my life once this whole thing blows over. Maybe, I might even marry Kitsune? I know it sounds crazy. I never really considered it when I was with Omocha. He really didn't seem the type to settle down with, but Kitsune.. he's.. different, a one guy kind of guy. Maybe.. just maybe.. if I live long enough, we can be together. <3 <3 <3! Gah, I'm typing hearts! See, that's a sign that I'm really happy! I guess I'll just leave them there. No matter how corny they look. Oh! I should be moving into my new place soon! Well, it's really the same old place, just with a LOT of new things! I'll keep you posted about it! Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Tunnel Trance Force Disk 1 -- Cyber Mix

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June 7th, 2002

02:23 am - Happy times. Very happy times. But you know.. Dear Live Journal. It's been.. wow.. more than a month since my last entry! Okay, for those of you who say I'm just getting lazy, I've got two words for ya..... .......I AM! What, did you think I was gonna bust out with something Batsu-esque? Man. Batsu. I'll get on him later, but for now, I want to talk about what's been going on. First off, Kitsune has a new home. Yes, he still has his old estate, but he has a summer home in Taiyougaoka. I've been staying with him there for the past month or so. Man, let me tell ya, it's been like a dream. Kitsune is the sweetest person I've met. We've done so much ( some I can tell, you, and some I can't! ) But, it's scary though. Scary because I have this power over him. I can make or break him. His heart, I mean, and with his heart, goes all that steady improvement he's been making. I would never try to break my Fox's heart. Never ever. But it's somewhat unsettling to know that I could. That if I weren't there, Kitsune would probably wither away. It's so sad! But, I love the closeness we have now. It's really.. cozy feeling. I dunno how to really put it, but it.. well, sometimes he's the only thing I can think about. I'm usually so focused, but not lately. I guess, I'm in love with him. I never really wanted to admit it, but I am. I'm feeling the same things I felt with Omocha. ( which is another scary thing.. ) Omocha, Omocha.. I still think about him. Not very often, but sometimes, just sometimes, I do. It's weird. I haven't seen that boy in so long. I can't find him. I looked and looked, and called, and called and called, but nothing. It's like he vanished off the face of the Earth. I don't know what I feel for him now. But I know that he'll always have some special place in my heart. Just like Yoshiko will always have that special place for Kitsune. I wonder if I should feel like some sort of fill-in for Yoshiko. I know I could never fill her shoes. But I know Kitsune loves me just as much, and that's comforting. It flies in the face of all the scary new-relationshipness. ( Is that even a word..? ) And now for the bad. Well, let's see. The bad. How can I put it? Even though I really don't believe it, it almost seems like you really can't have good, without having bad. Batsu is that bad. He hates me, if you don't remember. I pretend I know why, and that it's all my fault, but I know that's just my damned "good side" telling me this. I know it's not all my fault. I know that he's hating me because there's some sort of conflict about past events. ( You know when he was "different".. ) I know deep down inside, he probably likes me.. a lot. But no, there's this huge rift between us. He sees me, he walks the other way. Out with one of my friends and I show up? Conversation closed. It's nerve-wracking. I feel it, and Kitsune feels it. I know he knows it bugs me, even if I don't talk about. It bothers him. I wish he wouldn't go pushing Batsu about it, but I know he will. It's just his way. Because he loves me. Maybe I should be happy about that too. Happy because I know I have someone who will stick up for me, even if I happen to be wrong. But even so, I know Kitsune won't be happy. And so I won't be happy. And well, there ya go. Happy times. Very happy times. But you know.. Oh, did I mention I entered a tournament? No? Well, that shows were my mind's been! Oh well, more on that later! Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Vitas -- Opera #2

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May 8th, 2002

02:02 pm - My dear friend Azukin.. Dear Live Journal. It has been 4 days since my last entry. Hey, I'm doing better!! I'm also in a better mood, if you can tell. And if you can't.. well, read a little closer! Okay, let me explain the cause for this sudden jump in mood. It's all because of a little friend of mind that I've neglected to talk about. I don't even think I've mentioned her once in this journal. Well, I know I mentioned her ONCE, but once would hardly do her justice. Apologizes to her, but I know I intended to. Sad stuff tends to usurp a lot of my more chipper posts, if you've noticed the trend. Anyway, Azukin. Azukin, the red-haired alien girl that fell from the sky some months ago, has become one of my best friends. It's strange, and a little refreshing, since you guys know I don't exactly have millions of female friends. She's a lot like a child in many ways. Ever-curious about everything, and she questions me about the nature of life to know end. As if I'm the expert on those things. Sometimes, I feel like I might be giving her the wrong advice. Is this feeling I get, the same feeling a father or a mother gets when instructing their child? Maybe it is. I'm not really suited to be a parent. I mean, I can't even control myself, y'know? I've never refused to answer one of her questions, because I know she looks to me for guidance and council, but I just want to do the best by her. I've even been reading books about parenting. Can you believe it? But Azukin's been like that for a while. It's very cute, but not really reason why I'm kind'a happy now. Well, a few days back, I found out Azukin has a sense of humor! Now, it might just be me, because sometimes I read into things in a certain way, but I think sometimes, her little ingenue act is.. really just an act. Why or how she'd do something like this is beyond me, but it was good for more than a few laughs that day in the Grand Central Arena. Hopefuly, they'll be more days like that, to keep my mood up. I really, really need the help. Until next time.. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Xenogears OST -- Melkaba

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May 4th, 2002

02:04 pm - Fate in haze.. Dear Live Journal. It's been 6 days since my last entry, or so I guess.. Why the need for the "guestimate", you ask? Well, if you remember that whole "end of the world" thing? ( Trust me, you won't.. ) Well, it has a LOT to do with that. As I explained before, I decided to stay on Earth. I really don't know why. You probably think that was a very, very stupid choice, considering we had fair warning of what was to come. But sometimes, well, a lot of times, a lot of things we do aren't based on logic or reason. Emotion was the driving factor. I consider Earth my second home. It was the place my Mother sent me to grow and change. Seems like the old Human axiom "Mother knows best" was right. As far as just what too place down there on Earth? Well, it's hard for me to put it in words you guys can understand. There was mist, and lots of it. And temptations, and people. Seems like all of the people I knew were caught up in some sort of grand, shared dream. There were only a few who seemed to resist the dream. Batsu was among them. Behind this whole thing was a being that generated a lot of hate from me. I couldn't understand why I felt this at first. Maybe it's the same feeling Batsu gets when he.. saw me, but couldn't really remember me. It was horrible. At any rate, I asked him to release everyone from their dreams, and be gone. He refused, but eventually had us ( Me, Batsu and a strange alien named Ducki Tiat } complete some "tasks", in exchange for everyone's freedom. Well, it turns out we failed, but because he "sensed" something about me, he let us go anyway. He said I had a "piece" of himself within me, and he wanted to give me more. I agreed, reluctantly, and he filled me with a power that I dare not even tap in to. I can feel it even now, coursing through me, affecting my mind, and even my personality. This was the same feeling I got when Trine used to take over. My control has been very good as of late. But with this added feeling, I don't know how long I can hold out. I just don't know.. Until then, my fate is in haze. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Final Fantasy 5 OST -- Fate In Haze

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April 28th, 2002

01:15 pm - Dun.. dun.. dun.. It's the end of the world! Dear Live Journal. It's been 8 days since my last entry. This very well might be my last. That's right folks, you read the title, and if you're still with me, it's no joke. The past few days have been a blur of events. Despite all my talk of being "ready", they hit me hard. Very hard. First off, Batsu has lost his memory. Yes, I know my grumpy little friend has had problems with that in the past, but this was different. ALL his memory was gone, save common knowledge, and his own name. Kisaka and Saki brought him to my house. He was pretty badly beat up too. I don't know much about the story behind it all, but it probably had something to do with me. ( as always ) Apparently, Kisaka thought that I could use the Kalinra to restore Batsu's memory. Seems easy enough, right? Yeah, but here's the rub: I could go in and forcibly undo what's been done to him, but it could mean brain damage for him, or even worse. And here's something even more sinister I'd like to throw at you. I never really wrote about it, but Batsu and I used to be on very good terms. Before all the weirdness, he used to smile and laugh at my jokes, and he wasn't so insular and recluse. Sometimes.. a LOT of times, I wish he was still like that. For a moment, I thought about doing something to perhaps make it happen. I could, if I so wished, only restore what I wanted to, while leaving out the bad parts. Evil, isn't it? It'd be like going into Omocha's mind and making him forget what made us break up, so I could have him back. I couldn't do that, could I? Well, why am I asking you? You should know that I'm just a bad person trying very hard to be good. Lucky for Batsu, he refused my help, at the chagrin of present company. I'm a selfish person I think. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want things to go my way for once. I want to control them, to mold them. I'm so tired of things happening at random. Surprises and sadness, even though that's simply life playing out before me. At any rate, Batsu simply slept over my house. He slept at least for 2 days. When he awoke, my brother Kuroii was back with some horrible news. Yup, just look up at the title of my little entry, and you can guess what he told us. I don't know, but at first I found it funny. I mean, c'mon, who ever thought the world would end. Of course, the enlightened among of us knew that someday, somehow the planet would meet it's untimely fate at the hand of a meteor, or some other spatial event. But you never really thought about it in depth. Who would? It would be like contemplating suicide every day, no matter your mood or situation. So, everyone on Earth would die, according to Kuroii. Some sort of hyperspatial anomaly, he said. Now, we have the means to escape, but not ALL of us. Just think about it. Who would you save, if anyone? Would you take your friends, your family with you, perhaps? Or just yourself? Or would you stay. Batsu chose to stay. I chose to stay too. Heh, you never expected that one, did you? I figured. I don't think Batsu would either. I'm gonna go see him, before it all ends, just because. I made sure all my friends and the people I know and love were off the planet days before this happened. But I stayed, since I'm writing this now. So tell me guys, did I make the right choice? I think so. But right or wrong, it couldn't have happened any other way. To my friends, I love you all. To my enemies.. well, it doesn't really matter anyway! Let's see how the next life is. I hope they have good food. Kokoro wo yurasu kanashimi wa Kazoe kirenai hoshi ni naru kedo You don't know where you're going to Mayoi no naka de hirogeta Kodoku no tsubasa namida no umi wo koetara You'll see blue sky Katachi no nai yume de mo ii Ashita no kaze ni kagashite Habataku ima Time after time you try to find yourself Nagareru toki no naka de Taenai kizu dakishime Setsunasa no kaze ni mau Dream on your left dead on your right Aoi yoru wo dakishimete Ashita wo toikakeru Mujyun darake no kokoro ni dead or live Eien no ichibyou ni nagareru Namida wo kazaranai de mou nido to Oh my dahlia Daremo ga motsu kokoro no kizuato ni Nagareru ame wa Time after time yoru no sora ni Umareta imi toikakeru Taenai namida no kawa Giniro ni kagayaku made Tsumetai kaze ni fukarete Tobitatenai toritachi ga Sorezore no yume dakishime Yoake no sora wo Destiny Alive Heaven Love Innocence Always Destroy Aftermath Hell Life Inifinite Time after time you cry in reality Nagareru toki wo tomete Nagashita namida no ato Current Mood: blank Current Music: X Japan -- Dahlia

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April 20th, 2002

01:10 pm - More of the same.. But isn't it great? Ryuuku here. Once again, it's been a while since I've posted. Why? Well, because nothing of interest has been going on, though I'm sure a few people would beg to differ. More of those Kalinra sessions with Shino. They've been going well, even though I've been tempted to be a bit more.. invasive in the whole thing. Other than that, there hasn't been much to report on the home front. Things are going good, despite what happened before, but I can't seem to shake this feeling I have. It's a feeling I've gotten before, when there's a lull in the constant action and trouble that seems to dictate my life. I get.. I dunno.. I get shaky. Wary might be a better word. Oh sure, I WANT to be happy, but when it seems just like I can be that way, things happen to snatch that away. Ever since I found myself here, it's been a veritable rollercoaster ride. But despite all that, I've slowly gained more and more control over that unstable side of me I can't understand. I don't have as many nightmares; you know them.. where it seems like the dream isn't my own. I'm getting stronger too. I can feel I'm reaching some sort of breaking point in power. I keep most of it hidden of course, but I have grown stronger since I've been here. Training helps me be at peace, and keep my mind off the doom that I feel coming. Whatever it is, I hope it comes quick. I'll be ready, won't I? Ryuuku Sakigake, same bat time, same bat channel. Current Mood: nervous Current Music: Dir En Grey -- Not afraid to die

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